Phil’s Diary - [Blog @ http://www.philsdiary.net/]
This comes courtesy of Matt (a work colleague). If you’ve ever even thought of car maintenance, you’ll have heard of the Haynes repair manuals. So here are some translations for some of the often used phrases.
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer in
the anticlockwise direction.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles on both hands.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you start, now
you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…
Haynes: Undo…
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: “Jeez, what was that? It nearly had my eye out”!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK - that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out that pesky bayonet bit.
Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be
‘lightly’ what you are doing now.
Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance…
Translation: If it isn’t broken… it’s about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this… so how did you manage to botch it
up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny number… but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Ford Fiesta’s are easy to maintain right… right? So
you think three Fiesta spanners has got to be like a ‘regular car’ two
spanner job.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren’t you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don’t expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage
for it whilst muttering “b*gger” repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife “Yep, as I
thought, it’s going to need a new one”!
Haynes: Carefully…
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut…
Translation: Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you
can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs…
Translation: Snap off…
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an Auto Club card and mobile phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn’t moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, but not the thing you
want to do!
Posted by Phil on December 16, 2002 06:45 PM | Categories: Humour
yep been there, and done all the swearing !!!!!!
Posted by: mark at July 23, 2003 10:52 PM